


Restabilization

by sibley (ferns)



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Childhood Trauma, F/M, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-07
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-06-06 22:51:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15205223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ferns/pseuds/sibley
Summary: Usually, on the anniversary of that day, Cynthia goes home and gets as drunk as she possibly can before passing out and hoping that she doesn't have nightmares. Cisco wants to help her make a new routine.





	Restabilization

**Author's Note:**

> This entire fic is essentially about trying to deal with the anniversary of some of your biggest childhood trauma as an adult. There are no flashbacks, but there are nongraphic references to and implications of the canonical rape Cindy survived at ages 14 and 19. There are also references to Cindy's shitty coping mechanisms, like getting drunk and doing unhealthy amounts of exercise.
> 
> I wrote this to try to deal with some of my own stuff. And since it's the kind of thing I'd like to read during a particularly nasty episode, I decided to post it, because maybe someone else needs the help living vicariously through the recovery of fictional characters can sometimes give you.

Cynthia doesn’t tell Cisco what happened. She can’t tell Cisco what happened. It was years ago, both times were years ago. It’s not fair to burden him with it now. It’s not fair to him for him to get to hear about her childhood trauma. Yes, she told him a little bit about her mother, but he doesn’t need to hear about all the other stuff. 

Except, he’s pretty sure that he’s started to notice that there’s something wrong. Something _recently_ wrong. How Cynthia’s been twitching when he touches her, just a little bit. How that anxiety in her throat keeps her locked in place for just a few seconds longer than it should when they’re fighting the latest would-be world dictator of Earth-1. 

It would all be fine if they weren’t getting close to the anniversary of the first time. She was on a mission to stop a breacher with her dad during the anniversary of the second time. She didn’t have to hide how twitchy and uncomfortable and nauseous she was around him. He knew what day was coming up, and he let her be alone on the actual day itself.

Cynthia honestly thinks it’s stupid that she’s still reacting to the first time. The first time was when she was fourteen. The first time was well over a decade ago. She should have gotten over it by now. The second time was when she was nineteen-maybe it makes sense for her to still be reacting to that. Maybe. But the first one… Cynthia hates that her skin still crawls when she thinks about it, that she still feels like she’s going to throw up, that-that- _everything._

And Cisco doesn’t know. Cisco doesn’t _need_ to know. She’ll just do what she does every time the anniversary comes up and go get drunk and then pass out at home so she doesn’t have any nightmares. Really, Cynthia figures, she should be celebrating. One more year she’s survived since then. One more year she hasn’t given in and offed herself. That was _something,_ right?

Except she accidentally spends the night at Cisco’s place and wakes up in his bed and before she can breach out and go home and come back tomorrow and say _sorry, an emergency came up and I had to leave suddenly,_ he’s sticking his head through the door and asking if she wants pancakes.

And Cisco makes great pancakes. And his pancakes are probably better for her than day drinking. And he’s smiling like he always does when he knows something she doesn’t know, and that makes her curious. Maybe she can afford to stay for just a little while.

Cisco sits her down and then sets a plate of pancakes down in front of her and then leans forward, bracing his hands on the table. “So, I looked up a recipe online for coffee pancakes-” The rest of his sentence becomes loud laughter when Cynthia literally attacks her plate. “Slow down!”

She does _not_ slow down, which makes Cisco laugh even louder. They’re _good,_ why would she slow down? Out of the two of them, Cisco is absolutely the better cook-which, to be fair, isn’t saying that much, since it looks like he destroyed half of the kitchen trying to make the pancakes she’s utterly destroying, but it’s _something._ Cynthia’s idea of cooking is microwaving some ravioli and calling it a day.

Cisco wraps his arms around her from behind when she finishes, making her twitch. He loosens his grip accordingly and bumps his nose into his jaw, running one of his fingers down her arm. After a few tense moments, Cynthia relaxed back into him, letting him trace patterns onto her freckled skin with his fingertips. It felt nice. Cynthia probably shouldn’t have been mentally comparing her dad and how he calmed her down to what her boyfriend was currently doing, but it felt similar enough that she could calm down. Her dad was safe. Therefore this action was safe.

“No sex today,” Cynthia mumbles, leaning her head back some when Cisco starts to do the same tracing on her other arm. “Or kissing. I can’t today.”

She waits for Cisco to ask her why. Demand an explanation. She knows he won’t be mad, she’s tested the waters before and every time he respects her boundaries. But she wouldn’t put asking _why_ past him. Cisco was a curious person. Of course he’d ask. And then try to find out when she refused to tell him.

“Alright,” Cisco says softly, standing up and taking her empty plate with him. Cynthia grabs her fork and cup and follows him to the sink. “You wanna watch a movie or something? I, uh, kinda ate before you woke up. I was really hungry.”

Again, Cynthia weighs her options. Day drinking or watching a movie with Cisco? Just like before, the option with Cisco sounds _much_ more appealing. The anxiety bouncing around in her chest and the heavy feeling at her skin made her want to curl up at home with some whiskey or train with her dad until her fingers started bleeding, but… Maybe she could stay for just a little while longer.

If Cisco notices anything weird about her sitting on the opposite side of the couch from him, which she’s sure he must, he doesn’t say anything, just puts the movie in and lets her sit where she wants. Halfway through she lies down practically on top of him. It’s easier when she’s not the one being crushed into the couch, and Cisco likes deep pressure stimulation anyway.

The movie is about a fish who is also a girl. Who likes ham. Cynthia likes the animation, it feels... Soft and squishy, like holding Cisco's hand. She's not entirely sure what the plot actually is, but she doesn't like the guy who makes (is he actually making them? She's a little confused) the storms and is trying to get the fish-girl back. It's not close enough to her own life for it to be  _that_ uncomfortable, but being imprisoned by a parental figure, even if it was never her father who did something like that to her... It makes her shudder.

She sits up off of Cisco when the credits start rolling, wincing a little bit when her shoulders pop in their sockets and her spine cracks. Cisco sits up too, squeezing her hand tightly the way she likes it. “Wanna go get ice cream?”

Cynthia blinks at him and frowns a little as she realizes that it's _well_ past noon and Cisco would usually be at STAR Labs by now, trying to stop his coworkers from dying or whatever it is they do when their most important member (Cisco, obviously) isn't there. “Do you not have work today?”

“I decided to take the day off when you spent the night,” he admits. “If there’s a big emergency or something, I’ll be there to help save the day, but I don’t actually have to spend _all_ my time at STAR Labs, you know?”

“...Ice cream it is, then,” Cynthia decides softly. She’s fairly sure there’s still something he’s not telling her. It’s not that Cisco’s a _rude_ person, he’s a wonderful guy and a great boyfriend, but… Him acting this nice and taking the day off on today of all days… “But I’m paying. With Earth-1 money this time, I promise.”

Cisco doesn’t give her a chance to go home and do her usual routine at all that day. He keeps her moving and thinking and doing things, good things that keep her in the present, and she’s suddenly _sure_ that he’s doing it on purpose. Which might mean that he knows. God, she hopes he doesn’t know. If he’s ever going to find out, she wants it to be because she told him.

She watches Cisco throw some lettuce (not bread, Cisco says that bread is bad for them and for the plants) to the ducks, rocking back and forth a little in place and humming softly in time with Cisco’s wrist flicking. The remains of his chocolate ice cream are steadily melting under the heat in the cup next to him, and Cynthia reaches forward on one of the rocks to steal some sprinkles from the sludge with her fingers. She finished her coffee ice cream half an hour ago.

“Cisco?” She calls softly, pulling up some grass and watching two ducklings fight over a scrap of Cisco’s lettuce. “Is there something important about today that made you…”

Out of the corner of her eye, she sees him bite his lip. “Remember how a few months ago was the anniversary of when Wells would’ve killed me if it hadn’t happened in an alternate timeline _and_ it was Dante’s birthday?”

Cynthia nods. “We went to Earth-5 and spent the day there so I could keep your mind off of it.”

“Yesterday morning, I accidentally had a vibe of you today. You were, uh, getting drunk off your ass at your apartment.” Cisco hunches his shoulders in. “I dunno what it was about, but… I know what it’s like to have days that are just… Awful. And you helped me that day without knowing why it was so bad until it was over. So. I wanted to do the same for you. Hell, even if you _hadn’t,_ if you’d been gone that day, I’d want to do this. You don’t have to tell me why today is bad for you. But I want you to know that you _can.”_

Cynthia looks at the ducks again. It’s easier to look at ducks than at Cisco. “Today’s the day something really had happened to me. When I was a kid. The kind of bad that-that just stays in your brain and doesn’t get out. But it’s been so long that most of the time I don’t think about it. Some days it just hits-it just hits really hard.”

She doesn’t say what it was. She knows Cisco might be able to guess, if he pieces everything together. But she can’t _tell_ him yet. One day she will. One day she’ll tell him everything about what happened when she was a kid and still got into cars with strange men who were stronger than they looked, with the kind of powers that haunted you forever.

Cisco scoots back so he’s next to her and lets her lean into his shoulder. “Thank you for telling me,” he says softly. “Love you, Cyn.”

“I love you too.” She hugs herself and tosses some lettuce to the impatient hungry ducks.

Maybe she can start having a new routine. Bad days are more bearable when there’s someone you love to make them feel better, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> me writing more cindy-centric cynco fic: ANOTHER ONE.
> 
> i'm still danteramon on tumblr.


End file.
